Shelby Terrell
EPISODE 112
“You can prepare for something and talk about it forever. But then when it’s actually happening to you, it’s a completely different experience. You can talk about surfing and we can talk about it all day long and like mentally have that, but then as soon as you’re out in the water, you’re like “oh fish”. ”
In this episode of the Open Late Podcast, Jessica reconnects again with Shelby Terrell, an intimacy coordinator and current MSW Candidate, on the path of becoming a sex and relationship therapist. They explore the experiences of growing up as Mormons and the challenges of reconciling their personal beliefs with the faith. They candidly discuss the shame associated with sexuality, particularly masturbation, and how it affected their self-perception and relationships. Likewise, they emphasize the importance of embracing vulnerability to promote healing and personal growth. Deconstructing traditional relationship norms, they share their own journeys of self-discovery and finding fulfillment outside societal expectations. Shelby opens up about her marriage coming to an end, and the episode also touches on the concept of an ideal relationship, the benefits of couples therapy and deeper understanding of vulnerability's power in breaking down barriers and cultivating meaningful connections.
In this Episode of Open Late:
the Experience of Growing Up as a Mormon
The Nuances of Self-Gratification and difference between private vs shameful
Deconstructing Conventional Relationship Ideals
Embracing Self-Discovery and Sexual Fulfillment
Exploring the Realm of Kinky and BDSM
Previous Episode with Shelby:
On-Screen Intimacy Coordinator Shelby Terrell: Open Late Episode 85
Connect with Shelby Terrell:
• Instagram: @theshelbyterrell
Connect with Jessica:
• Instagram: @journey.with.jessica | @openlatethepodcast
• Website: openlatepodcast.com
• YouTube: Open Late Podcast
• What's my relationship style? Take the Open Late Quiz
• Join our free chat community, "Open Talks" on WhatsApp
2:30 A lot of the public school policies, such as dress codes and the cultural environment of the schools, were based on Mormon protocols, ethics, and values. There was a lot of shame and judgment and guilt placed on it because as a socialized female woman growing up in Utah, my job is to be a partner and procreate. - Shelby Terrell
4:13 It was usually the cisgendered heterosexual men in the church telling you what you could and could not do with your body. - Shelby Terrell
5:18 I went out with this boy on a date, and we ended up making out. I had such a great time; I felt like I got to experience something fulfilling. But the next day, he approached me and said, 'I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I'm going to confess to the bishop. - Shelby Terrell
7:57 It's like my body and my choice to do what I want with it. - Shelby Terrell
8:50 People who grew up in a purity culture often find that shame manifests itself in various ways. For some, it's a struggle, while for others, it leads to acting out. - Jessica Esfandiary
9:37 I was using the guise of privacy, what I thought were private matters. In reality, I was being secretive and carrying a sense of shame. I convinced myself that labeling something as private would justify it, but upon reflection, I realized it was driven by my feelings of shame. - Shelby Terrell
11:46 Reclaiming the word slut, claiming the word as to be like all of these things that were twisted to be derogatory that are so inherently actually beautiful to our human nature. - Shelby Terrell
14:09 I just never felt like I could continue living a life where I was constantly hiding parts of myself or denying parts of myself and feeling like I just was constantly going on a path of self-denial around my sexuality and around my body. - Shelby Terrell
19:35 I can understand for some people that there's a lot of peace in religion. And at the same time, look at how much war and destruction and hate and conflict is in the world because of organized religion. - Shelby Terrell
20:05 Anything in life can be perceived differently based on our perspectives. How we see something can be entirely distinct from how others perceive and interact with it. And that's why we are already living in a multiverse. - Jessica Esfandiary
21:51 I used to be a serial cheater. Looking back, I realize that I've always leaned towards being non-monogamous, but in my early relationships, I wasn't practicing it ethically or transparently. - Shelby Terrell
25:09 We had a threesome, and it was really wonderful and great. And then afterwards I was immediately like “We can't tell anyone”.When they asked why, I responded, 'This is my private life.' It was at this point that the distinction between shame and privacy became evident, and I realized the impact of my sexual trauma from growing up Mormon was resurfacing. - Shelby Terrell
29:24 The older I got, the more language I was able to acquire and build context for and have practical applications. And you can prepare for something and talk about it forever. But then when it's actually happening to you, it's a completely different experience. You can talk about surfing and we can talk about it all day long and like mentally have that, but then as soon as you're out in the water, you're like “oh fish”. - Shelby Terrell
30:51 In the context of purity culture, there's the presence of sexual shame. As you begin to liberate yourself from it, you might come to a realization. For instance, while you're embracing your newfound freedom, you might also find that the idea of being in love with multiple people is still challenging to accept. - Jessica Esfandiary
36:14 With the ongoing revolution of sexual expression, positivity, education, and the exploration of non-monogamy and polyamory, one can hope for a positive impact rippling through those who are curious but may have been hesitant due to their more traditional inclinations. As a result, relationships in general could potentially become significantly healthier. - Jessica Esfandiary
37:00 You can have all of these different relationships and they can serve you in those ways and fill your cup and the analogy is often that parents can love all of their kids. You can love all of your friends, you can love all of your partners. Why do we need to put these hierarchical expectations on people when, ultimately it's about connection and love. - Shelby Terrell
47:38 I had always identified as a kinky person and had sexual dynamics that involved some power play, as there can be power dynamics within various kinks, though not all kink involves power play. There is that separation. Like BDSM is kinky, but not all kink is BDSM. - Shelby Terrell
51:54 The submission is like the biggest form of consent that you can give to someone. - Shelby Terrell
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